Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D - 2D scares in a 3D World

       I laughed when I first saw the preview for Texas Chainsaw 3D. I may have even rolled my eyes in annoyed disbelief and mumbled "Are you kidding me?" under my breath. May have as in, I definitely did.

 

       On its own, it had the potential of looking like your typical slasher flick following the standard horror movie recipe; A group of attractive but not very bright young adults, a masked villain who always seems to catch up no matter how slowly he walks, standard blood and gore, gratuitous boob shots, and a generic ending that almost always leaves the door open for a sequel. However unoriginal a new slasher flick seems, there's still a half decent chance it might surprise you and be worth spending $12 at the theater to see.

 

       But this is not one of those slasher flicks. My initial reaction is based on the fact that most remakes, sequels of remakes, or random additions to stale franchises, are almost never worth being made, let alone holding out hope it's worth sitting through. In reference to the above mentioned "horror recipe", a lot of movies are becoming predictable in their sequence of events, especially in this case. We already know the back story, and aside from minor plot points, we know how the movie's going to play out.

The movie started with Heather, attractive cast member #1, working in the meat room of a grocery store of all places.  No surprise that she turns out to be a descendent of the Sawyer family, those who were behind the massacres in the original movie from 1974.  The audience is quickly introduced to her best friend Nikki, attractive cast member #2, who’s dressed more for the stripper pole than the cash register.  Throw in their poorly matched boyfriends, Ryan and Kenny, plus blonde haired, blue eyed hitch hiker Darryl, and you have attractive cast members #3 through #5. Easy on the eyes?  Sure.  But their looks are in no direct correlation to their intelligence and survival instincts. 

 

       This brings us to the villain of the movie, ingredient #2; Jedidiah Sawyer, who is more commonly known as Leatherface.  Based on real life murderer and grave robber Ed Gein, Leatherface kidnaps, kills and consumes his attractive yet horribly unlucky victims.  He’s a tall and intimidating figure clad in a white butcher’s apron and human skin mask, welding his ever trusty chainsaw.  While one might think that kidnapping and killing would make for strenuous exercise, Leatherface is obviously just a wee bit out of shape.  Yet, true to horror movie fashion, he never has trouble keeping pace with his much younger, leaner prey.  It was a bit pitiful to hear the entire audience laughing as Heather fell down a flight of stairs and limp away while being chased by Leatherface, just to have the portly villain deftly navigate the same flight minutes later.  As if that weren’t bad enough, she then proceeds to trip over the low fence of the family cemetery, just to have Leatherface manage that just as gracefully as the stairs.  All while wearing a mask and revving a chainsaw mind you.  Now when an entire audience is repeatedly laughing at a horror movie, you know something’s wrong, and for once it isn’t your own sick sense of humor.  Leatherface eventually catches up to his prize, which brings us to ingredient number three...

 

       …blood and gore.  If a horror movie isn’t going to have an original plot or at least a few “jump out of your seat and spill your popcorn scenes” – I’m looking at you What Lies Beneath – it should at least sicken the masses with disturbing amputations and copious amounts of blood.  Now I’m not condoning blood and gore for the sake of blood and gore, but the two should go hand in hand in what is known as a slasher movie.  I might beginning to get immune to this aspect of horror movies, but TCM 3D could have upped the ante in this department; the gore, or lack thereof, left much to the imagination.  When a scene in which a young male victim is suspended from a meat hook and sawed in half can’t make you flinch, you start to wonder if those involved in the movie were even trying, or if they assumed the name of the movie alone would bring in the money.  The 3D effects were laughable at best, for the majority of the movie, I forgot it even was in 3D.   Sadly, the attempts at terror were laughable as well.  After our unathletic heroine makes her way into the cemetery, she spots an open grave and hesitates just long enough for the audience to squirm, wondering if she’ll subject herself to the claustrophobic confines of the used casket in order to save herself.  But to those of the us in the audience that have seen a horror movie or two, we know that she will, and that Leatherface will soon be plunging his chainsaw through the top of it.  Which he did.  But of course the beautiful lead survives, because movies, specifically those of the horror variety, are hardly ever based in reality.  And how did she manage to escape the dangerous machine with a blade that’s 14” or longer?

 

       Well that would be ingredient #4 – gratuitous nudity, and somehow, TCM 3D even failed with that.  The movie started with a potential sex scene early enough between Heather and Ryan, but was quickly thwarted by the arrival of Nikki and Kenny.  Fail #1.  The audience is treated to glimpses of the girls’ bodies in their midriff shirts and booty shorts throughout the movie, and thinks they’ll finally see some real skin when Nikki tricks Ryan into a barn to rekindle an old affair.  As Heather’s feeling the heat of the chainsaw blade through the casket, things are heating up between Nikki and Ryan until they hear the commotion going on outside.  As the two leave the barn to see what’s going on, Ryan is clad only in pants, and Nikki’s in nothing but his button down shirt.  This brings about a valid plot point, brought to my attention by friend and horror expert Michael Joy.  The subplot of their affair is unnecessary and never mentioned again.  Heather never even acknowledges that the two are half dressed when she picks them up in her van minutes later.  Fail #2.  In the climax of the movie, when Leatherface has Heather in his possession, bound and gagged and seemingly close to death yet again, our nubile young lead is in a strategically placed, completely unbuttoned shirt as she twists and turns, trying to break free from her confines.  We think we have our last chance at some skin, but that was denied the audience as well.  Leatherface recognizes the family birthmark on her upper chest and subsequently releases her, where she quickly closes the top button on her shirt.  Fail #3.  While I’m not normally a fan of random skin shots - I think it’s predictable and cheapens a movie - even I was hoping for something worth watching by this point.

 

       Following typical horror protocol, Heather does of course not perish along with the rest of her friends, instead, she returns to her newly inherited house along with Leatherface, her last remaining blood relative.  Yes, the kidnapping, killing, cannibalistic Leatherface that just butchered her three friends and some of the town’s police force. While she seems leery of his presence, not quite trusting that she’s safe, she embraces her new role as his caregiver.  She locks her side of the basement door, he shuts his, and boom, credits roll.    And there we have the fifth and final ingredient in our horror recipe: a generic ending that leaves open the possibility of future movies, complete with trite plot lines, bad music and (hopefully) some tasteless nudity.  Does she allow Leatherface to keep killing?  Does she remain safe or become his next victim?  Only time and another unnecessary movie will tell the fate of the surviving two dimensional character in this three dimensional movie.